So, once again, I regret to say, my journal entry is due to deep troubles.
It was bad enough Ted hadn't been called offshore for two months so it was getting very difficult to pay bills, but now he's been laid off in the same day we learned I need surgery on my liver to remove the benign tumors that have been growing in it. Last October the largest was the size of a golfball, now it's grown to softball size and could rupture and bleed internally if it's not removed, so.. They're trying to schedule the surgery as soon as possible. The really messed up thing is the teaching hospital they're sending me to, the damn woman that does scheduling was out for vacation, so they couldn't schedule it? I'd think they'd have someone in her place when she's out. But, here's praying it's soon, for both my safety and due to our insurance lasting another 90 days from last week.
And making more stress, I had a doll on layaway that I can't finish paying for now... x_x ANd if I can't pay, they'll cancel the order and keep the money paid so far. So just all around it's damned stress and worry.
My biggest worry is the surgery though... I seem calm on the outside, but inside I'm scared to death... Surgery to me... well, the last time I had surgery, it destroyed my health and almost killed me... And I was a lot healthier back then despite the cancer I was suffering at the time... So right now I'm really scared of.. well, of not surviving... I know the chances under normal circumstances of dying in such a surgery are low, still there, but real low, like a mistake could be made in the anesthesia... But if there's any slip-up... I don't have the health to make it through. So.. it's on my mind a lot... Not that my death hasn't been on my mind for some time with slipping downhill slowly and steadily... I couldn't make it through this without my friends or especially my hubby. The other night I... well, I've never been actually suicidal, but the thoughts still heavily plague me... sometimes I do wish I were dead, but... I could never do it... I worry about the grief it would cause the people I love... Kind of a sobering thought to imagine it's concern for other people, not so much yourself that keeps you from death, that gives you the strength to fight. But.. He held me in his arms and just let me cry it all out.. and since then, I've felt so much better and relaxed... He reassured me he'd never let anything happen, even if he has to work three jobs, but.. I don't want to see him work himself to death. If only there was some fairness in this world, eh? Or at least, one major suffering per person and then it's done with... I've probably been through enough trials for at least six people. My Mom said "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." My reply was "I wish He underestimated me more."
Well, sorry again to run off ranting about pain and misery and all. I'm just glad some people hear it. Even if no one did, it feels better to get it out...